Guidelines for Fostering Intimate Communication

You are responsible for your own sexual fulfillment.  Tell your partner what level of intimacy you feel comfortable with.  It is important to communicate what feels good and what doesn't.  Remember that no one can read your mind!

Acknowledge your fears.  It is okay to realize that you are afraid to bring up issues related to sexual intimacy.  Once you realize what your fears are and why they exist, you can take steps to conquer them.

Decide when and where you want to discuss sex.  Too often people wait until they are sexually aroused to discuss sexual issues.  It's best to discuss sexual history, sexual intimacy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases and risk reduction preferences when you have a clear head and can rationally discuss your needs and desires.

Listen actively.  Communicating means more than just talking.  Many problems with communication surface because the listener does not really hear or understand the message.  This can be prevented by clarifying or rephrasing the message before you respond to it.

Use "I" messages rather than "You" messages.  "I" messages include I feel, I want, I hear, I need, I don't understand.  "I" messages open channels of communication and promote a blameless atmosphere.  Only use "you" messages in a positive manner:  "You really make me feel good."

Stay focused.  Don't use blanket statements like "we always" or "we never."  If something bothers you, cite a specific example such as "On our last date, I felt angry when our conversation about contraception was interrupted by the basketball game on TV" rather than "We are always interrupted by things when we talk".

Reprinted with permission from:  Lifestyle Workshops", (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1983),
pg. 356, Martha Imrie Carey, University of Illinois, 1989.